FANDOM


This page lists all the songs in the first season. Please feel free to add the lyrics to this page!

"Episode One" songs

"Central in My Heart"


[Birdie]
In the middle of Manhattan
There's a spot unlike the rest
An actual oasis
It’s like New York, but undressed
I'm talking 'bout a place where all the bustle seems to pass
What’s this place I speak of?
Why, I'm so glad you asked

It's Central Park
It's a haven, it's a jewel
Central Park
And it even has a pool
The city's little refuge filled with kind of art and art
And guess what? It's central in my heart
The cops patrol on horsies, as the kiddos hide their weed

[Birdie, spoken]
Be cool, be cool

[Birdie]
There's tennis players deucin' and he just deuced for free

[Birdie, spoken]
Good job!

[Birdie]
See rollerbladers tripping, yogies doing downward dog
And truant students skipping while their WASP-y mothers jog!

Central Park
Built in 1857
Central Park
Where all rats go to heaven
It used to be a village, But no one talks about that part

[Citizens, sung]
Dark chapter

[Birdie]
Anyhoo.

[Citizens, sung]
It's central in my heart

[Birdie]
And in this gorgeous haunt, you'll find all you'd ever want

[Woman]
Picnics on the giant lawn

[Man]
Rowboats floating on the pond

[Second woman]
Carts with churros
Mangoes, too

[Boy]
Hey, halal!

[Salesman]
Hello to you

[Girl]
Shakespeare plays!

[Second boy]
Folksy tunes

[Unknown man]
Bucket drummers

[Third woman]
Fun cartoons

[Birdie, sung]
People play and people sing. That guy won't do anything!

[Second man, sung]
The park's a meeting spot

[Skater, sung]
A melting pot

[Second girl, sung]
It's like the souvenir I bought

[Chorus]
An equalizer, an exerciser

[Jogger]
A perfect place to wear my visor!

[Birdie, sung]
Central Park
Where the animals can talk
Central Park
My mistake they cannot talk
Grandiose and glorious, unlike any place on Earth
Where else can your son and daughter splash in dirty hot dog water?

[All]
Here at the midpoint
A park that's so central
The name’s not that clever
But screw it, whatever
It's central in my heart!

"Heiress to a Fortune"

 
[Birdie, spoken]
So, you're probably thinking "who is Betsy whatsit-sin?"

[Birdie, sung]
The Heiress to a Fortune
Bitsy's quite the institution
She's like the Queen of Hearts
In that she loves an execution
The Brandenham Hotel is where
She's perched up on her throne
And she's billin' as our villain
Though that isn't quite yet knooooooooown

[Birdie, spoken]
Except by you guys. You know now, so shhh!

"Own It"


[Owen]
Folks today don't see my way
Though the flora is sure to be a nice array
And my children tell me no
They got their people to see
They got a place to go
Does it make me sad?
Does it hurt old dad?
Or should I go with the flow?
Flowerbeds with turtleheads got me spinnin' and-a grinnin' when the bloomin' spreads
Hey! Another turtle-geek
No- wait, that's just a fella' trying to take a leak

Guess it's only me
That's a devotee
But am I enough?
What if I own it?
Wanna be like-
Wanna be like someone who can own it
Wanna get to a-
Wanna get to a point where I can dance like a dad with my shirt tucked in
Like it doesn't look bad when the cramps set in
I'm gonna own it
And my name is-
Yeah, my name is Owen and I own it
And I like my-
And I like my flowers when they bloom in the moon like the fruit of the loom
You can say I'm a loon but I'll celebrate my turtleheads and own it

[Paige]
Guess my boss assumes I'm soft.
So I'll go to this and show him I can write my ass off.
If only he'd assign real news, instead of fluffy fluff and beauty stuff and style reviews.
That's a minor glitch, cause I've got the itch, and a lot to prove.

I'm gonna own it
Gonna kick in-
Gonna kick the door in like I own it
Gonna bust in-
Gonna bust in headfirst like a badass-boss-lady mom of two
Like a one-chick Bernstein and woodward too
I'm gonna own it
Gonna get in-
Gonna get in hone it and then own it
Gonna put my-
Gonna put my foot down like my pits and my bits aren't shvitzin' now
And-a holy cow 'cause I'm fin'ly gonna show 'em how I own it

[Bitsy, spoken]
I'm offering a reward of 50,000 dollars to whomever finds Shampagne-
In fact, you know what? Make it 60,000
Wait no- 55- 55,000
Print that! You news monkeys, or post it or like it or whatever
The dog was last seen in Central Park

[Passenger, spoken]
Oh, let me out here!

[Molly]
Is it weird to hide in the shadows?
Is it weird to follow so close?
Is it so weird I know where he goes?
Ohhh.

[Molly and Cole]
Is it bad I have this affection?
Is it bad I can't look away?
If I don't tell, would that be okay?

[Molly, spoken]
Hey

[Brendan, spoken]
Hey

[Molly and Cole]
C'mon be boldfaced
Be daring or never own it at all

[Cole]
Never own it at all.

[Bitsy, spoken]
Helen, hold this.

[Helen, sung]
I'm gonna own this
'Cause whenever
Yeah, whenever Bitsy dies I'll own this
I don't miss you
Little shih tzu
Now that you are gone
I'll be next in the heirloom line
And all the furniture you see here is mine mine mine
I'm gonna own it
And I'm gonna-
Yeah I'm gonna be the one to own it
Gonna bathe in-
Gonna bathe in hundred dollar bills with a man who looks like Magic Mike
While I nibble on the kibble that I know you like

[Everyone]
Own it! Own it! Own it!

[Birdie]
I can also sing!

[Everyone (background)]
When I own it
When I own it
When I own
If only I can own it
When if only
when if only

[Cole]
A new best friend for Cole!

[Molly]
Be boldfaced and daring.

[Everyone]
I will be the one in control so my dreams come true
So I get what I want

[Bitsy, spoken]
And my little dog, too

[Birdie]
I'm still here!

[Owen]
Raise awareness for turtleheads

[Everyone (background)]
When I own it
When I own it
When I own
If only I can own it
When if only
when if only

[Molly]
I'll be free to openly stare

[Helen]
Be a billionare

[Everyone]
It's totally healthy how much I care
Now I gotta-
Now I gotta own it!

"Poops I'll Pick Up"


[Owen, spoken]
This is the dog, why do you have the dog? How long have you had him?

[Cole, spoken]
What time is it?

[Owen, spoken]
Around four?

[Cole, spoken]
Since yesterday

[Owen, spoken]
What?! We need to get this dog returned as quickly as possible so people stop tearing up my park

[Cole, spoken]
Wait! Dad, can we sidebar? I have a totally unrelated question
You know how you've always said we should get a dog?

[Owen, spoken]
I’ve never said that in my life, Cole

[Cole, sung]
I know it looks like dog-napping behavior
But trust me dad, I'm this furry guy's savior
Trapped up in the tower with only Bitsy to nuzzle
Shampagne is like- a way better Rapunzel
And it’s not like I took him, if anything he took me
He took my breath away when he was taking a pee

[Owen]
Putting aside, this is probably against the law
That's just a tiny flaw
Son, you can't have a dog

[Cole]
Let me keep this dog and I will never not walk him
I know that's a double negative but I'm smart and
I'll take him to the veterinarian when he's ill
I'll get some peanut butter to help him swallow his pill
Right now, he’s a lapdog in the lap of luxury
But he shouldn’t be cooped up
He should be out there running free

Look at his eyes, can't you see that he’s sad, man?
I'll clean up his poops
You can call me Mr. Bag Hands

[Owen, spoken]
Mr. Bag Hands?

[Cole]
When he poops, I'll pick it up

[Owen]
You'll pick it up?

[Cole]
I’ll pick it up
When he poops, I'll pick it up

[Owen]
No, you won't

[Cole]
I will, I love that dog

[Owen]
Son, we gotta think about the consequence
What if we are sent to doggy jail for this?
Can't keep this dog

[Cole]
Papa, I believe this puppy's heaven-sent
I promise to pick up his every excrement

[Owen]
He has a home
We have to give him back

[Cole]
I'll take good care of him

[Owen]
We've been discussing that
We can't keep him
That's not part of the plan

[Cole]
We have to keep him
He makes me wanna be a better man
Please, Dad!
When he poops, I'll pick it up

[Owen, spoken]
No

[Cole]
I'll pick it up
When he poops, I'll pick it up

[Owen]
Not that it matters, but no, you won't

[Cole]
I love that dog

[Owen]
Son, we gotta think about the consequence
What if we are sent to doggy jail for this?
Can't keep this dog

[Cole]
Papa, I believe this puppy's heaven-sent
I promise to pick up his every excrement

[Cole, spoken]
All right, so it's settled. We're keeping him
No, it seems like he's gonna be really great to have around

[Owen, spoken]
No

[Cole, spoken]
He's my best friend

[Owen, spoken]
Doesn't matter

[Cole]
I love you, dad

[Owen, spoken]
I love you too, Son
We're not keeping the dog

"Shampagne Was My Best Friend"


[OWEN, spoken]
Why'd you have to hide the dog, Cole? None of this would've happened if you just told us you found the dog!
Yes, I know my voice sounds weird right now but it's 'cause I'm- angry! And I'm not used to be being angry! And now I can't stop going higher!

[COLE]
My heart is broken now that we've returned that pup
My hopes have dropped like poop that cannot be picked up

[OWEN]
Hey son, I hear you and I know you're feeling crushed
Just like my turtleheads, your dreams were turned to dust

[COLE, spoken]
Sorry dad, I just- I loved him

[OWEN, spoken]
I know, I know you did

"Central to My Plot"


[Bitsy, spoken]
I hate that park, Shampagne, it's just a patch of dirt and weeds...
And we're gonna buy it, oh yes we are, my little baby
We're gonna do the biggest real-estate deal in the history of the world!

[Bitsy, sung]
Central Park
With a GAP and Dunkin' Donuts
Central Park
Get your wallets out and go nuts
Formally, a playground for the city's filth and grime
Now we'll put a condo there
And a condo there
And a T.G.I. Friday's there

I'll poison this spot
And I will not get caught
And then like it or not
They will sell me the lot
It's central to my plot!

"Skater's Circle" songs

"Weirdos Make Great Superheroes"


[Molly]
Another day of this
Living in a made up world where I fit
I know I can dominate
More than two dimensional space

[Molly, spoken]
Did I just break that? I'm sorry

'[Molly, sung]
And if I had my way
I could surprise them
I’d flip the script and say
Everybody else's lines like

Molly: (spoken, in a British accent)
'Ello, good morning to you fine sir. You're looking well

[Molly, spoken]
Why am I doing an accent?
Or "Yes! Sports!... I mean, right?"
Ughhhh

[Molly, sung]
I wouldn't get tongue tied
Get nervous
But he's so tall
How old is he?
She's gorgeous
Is it too much to ask for?
I wanna be more

I wanna be a superhero
Watch me fly
Anyway that I want to go
And you can give me all your problems
'Cause you know I'll solve them
It's a secret everybody already knows
Weirdos make great superheroes

[Chorus]
Weirdos make great superheroes.

[Molly]
See?
Now it's catching on.

[Molly and Cole]
We're in our very own personal Comic-Con
And everyone's invited.
Weirdos united!

[Cole]
Oooh
And I can be with my true love:
Shampagne, here I come!

[Molly, spoken]
And loving a dog romantically is very cool

[Cole, spoken)
Yeah

[Molly and Cole]
Weird is the only rule and
I wanna be a superhero
Watch me fly
Anyway that I want to go

[Molly]
And you can give me all your problems

[Cole]
I'll give you all my problems

[Molly]
'cause you know I'll solve 'em

[Cole]
'cause you know I'll solve 'em

[Molly and Cole]
Weird is super and now you know!

[Chorus]
Weirdos make great superheroes
Weirdos make great superheroes

[Molly]
Weirdos make great superheroes

"Make 'Em Pay"


[Bitsy]
Why has it always been like this
I wish I could forget the past
The kids at school picked me last
I wasnt tall, I wasnt fast
I was small
And a total outcast
Maybe it's time I forgive them

(Bitsy laughs)

No.

I'll make 'em pay
Proper respect to me
Pay
For not accepting me
Pay
For neglecting me
Pay for their sins
God, where do I begin?

My brother was the golden child
He taunted and reviled me
I envied Little Orphan Annie
The only person meaner than my father
Was the nanny

I'll make 'em pay
For their condescension
Pay
With their full attention
Pay
For the privilege of kissing my toes
As I sit on my thrown

I shower them with golden opportunities
But no one bites
They belittle me
I'm constantly ignored
And no one sees my genius
I'd like to be adored
Must I grow a penis?

[Bitsy, spoken]
Seriously

[Bitsy, sung]
I'll make them pay
Tell the bankers to wire
Pay
To build my empire
Pay
My desire is to raise up the rent
And squeeze every cent
They will pay
Oh, they will pay

And they won't dismiss me
I'm Bitsy
I'm ritzy
I'm glitzy
They can't resist me
I'll make them pay

Weirdos Make Great Superheroes (Reprise)"


[Cole, spoken]
That's him!

[Molly, spoken]
He heard you!

[Cole, spoken]
I don't believe it! What do I do?

[Molly, spoken]
Howl back!

[Cole, spoken]
Oh, right-right-
Awoooooo!

[Shampagne]
(Howls back)

[Cole, spoken]
He remembers me, you were right. We did it!

[Cole, sung]
He remembers me, I'm so relieved.
He remembers me, I should've believed.
He remembers me, we'll be best pals.
He remembers me, what a boost of morale!
And...

[Molly and Cole, sung]
I-

[Cole]
I'm feeling like a superhero!

[Molly]
Weirdos make great superheroes.

[Cole]
You can give us all your problems.

[Molly and Cole]
'Cause you know we'll solve 'em.
It's a secret everybody should know.
Weirdos make great superheroes.
Weirdos make great superheroes.

[Shampagne]
(Howls)

"Do It While We Can"


[Glorious Garry]
We got to do it while we can
We got to do it while we can
We got to do it while we can
There's no time to waste so take my hand

[Owen]
My feet are on fire

[Glorious Garry]
Let me see the iceberg!

[Owen]
I'm just trying not to fall

[Glorious Garry]
Let me see the gravevine

[Owen]
Look out below!

[Glorious Garry]
Let me see the side-slide!

[Owen]
I'm too young to die

[Glorious Garry]
We gotta do it while we can.

[Chorus]
Together!

[Glorious Garry]
We gotta do it while we can!

[Glorious Garry and Owen]
We gotta do it while we can!

[Chorus]
Together!

[Glorious Garry and Owen]
There's no time to waste so take my hand!

[Glorious Garry]
Do the snake-walk!
Do the hurricane!
Do the circle-walk!
And the kick-fake!
Do the toe-jam!
And the split-pullback!
Do the five-star!
And the backspin!

[Birdie, spoken]
I got you, buddy.

[Owen]
I'm sorry I judged you
I really need your moves tonight

[Birdie]
I told you don't be uptight

[Owen]
I'm rolling because you
You got me feeling out of sight

[Birdie]
When Owen checks his phone
His mind will be blown
And his shorts may be too

[Chorus]
He might poop his shorts

[Birdie]
Ignorance is bliss
He doesn't know this
He has everything to lose

[Glorious Garry and Owen]
We gotta do it while we can

[Chorus]
Together!

[Glorious Garry and Owen]
We gotta do it while we can

[Birdie]
Do it, do it, do it, do it

[Glorious Garry, Owen, Birdie, and Chorus]
We gotta do it while we can
There's no time to waste, so take my hand

[All]
We got to do it while we can
We gotta do it while we can
We gotta do it while we can
There's no time to waste so take my hand

[Credits Voice]
We gotta do it while we can
We gotta do it while we can
We gotta do it while we can
There's no time to waste so take my hand
We gotta do it now

[Molly]
Do it while we can

[Cole]
Do it while we can

[Credits Voice]
While we can, so take my hand

[Glorious Garry]
Gotta do it while we can

"Hat Luncheon" songs

"Momma's Got This"


[Paige, spoken]
Kids, grab your bathing suits, your metro cards and a positive attitude!

[Cole, spoken]
Yay!

[Paige, sung]
C'mon kids here we go, there's a lead to pursue
And your momma needs a comment and she's gonna come through

[Molly and Cole, sung]
Mom, we're really proud of you, you're hot on the chase

[Molly]
But check your fly.

[Cole]
What is that on your face?

[Paige]
I'll get the truth
'cause I'm a sleuth
C'mon and see 'cause
Momma's got this
Momma's got this
Sorry if I spit on you- your momma's got this
Momma's got this
Momma's got this
This journalist just can't resist
Your momma's got this

Life gives you lemons so you take 'em in stride
If you get the lemons talking there's a story inside

[Molly and Cole]
 Your metaphors are messy, but you're still the top
Now back on the train, 'cause this isn't our stop

[Paige]
Be aware, we're almost there so wait and see 'cause
Momma's got this
Momma's got this
Oops- Forgot deodorant

[Molly and Cole]
We think our momma's got this

[Paige]
Momma's got this
Momma's got this

[Cole]
Mom's looking like a boss

[Molly]
Did she roll around in sauce?

[Paige]
Here's momma
Momma's got this
Jestem zywy I bardzo lepki

[Molly]
Is mom speaking Polish?

[Paige]
Jestem zywy I bardzo lepki

[Cole]
She's definitely trying to

[Molly]
Okey doke

[Paige]
One great quote about the vote
I'm on my way
Sing it!

[Polish Passerbys]
Ta pani jest lepka?
Ta pani jest lepka?

[Paige]
They know it. In the East village I am-

[Polish Passerbys]
Jakos bardzo lepki

[Passerbys]
Who is she?
We all agree
This momma's got this

[Paige]
Hey, it's me!
Look your momma's got this

[Molly and Cole]
Oh my God, look your momma's got this!

[Paige]
Watch and learn kids, 'cause you know your momma's got this

"Momma's Got This (Reprise)"


[Leo Shallenhammer, spoken]
Why don't you leave me alone and go ask the Mayor questions wherever it is he goes for his grooming and self-care?

[Paige, spoken]
Oh! I can corner the Mayor at the hat-luncheon tomorrow
That's where I'll get my quote

[Paige, sung]
You can see that
Momma's got this (Yeah!)
Momma's got this (Woo!)
Like fishies in a foot-spa
You know your momma's got this

[Molly and Cole]
Momma's got this
Momma's got this

[Paige, spoken]
Ooh, are those free samples?

[Molly, spoken]
Ooh, lotion!

[Cole, spoken]
Grease me up!

[Bathwomen]
Please just leave!

[Paige]
This is what it feels like
You know your momma's got this

[Molly and Cole]
You know our momma's got this

"Don't Think About the Failures"


[Owen]
Don't think about the failures
Think about the future
Think about the future, kay?
Don't think about the failures
Think about the future
Think about the future, yeah

When I try to give a speech I always end up feeling foolish
My tongue gets tied, I hurt my pride and more
Guess it's something I can work on
Like that guy helped Colin Firth on

Don't think about the failures
Think about the future
Think about the future, yeah
Don't think about the failures...

Don't think about the failures
Think about the future
Think about how good it will feel
How it's really no big deal
We got this

Remember to smile
Remember to smile
Remember to smile
How's this?

Remember to make eye-contact
Eye-contact
Eye-contact, smile
Eye-contact, smile, yeah

All my prep and my research will
Make me seem like Winston Churchill

Remember to smile, remember to breathe
Remember to not suck
When I try to give a speech!

"Birdie Busking"

Scene 1


[Birdie, spoken]
Lot's of stuff going on, so allow me and my stringy little friend here to fill you in.
Remember when city councilman Leo Shallenhammer voted "no," and now they won't renew the Park League's contract? Drama.

[Birdie, sung]
The city and the park league
Are they fighting?
This is shady!
But Paige'll crack the case
'cause she's a journalism lady!

[Birdie, spoken]
The end. Just kidding, there's more

[Birdie, sung)
Even though the city's being a little dysfunctional
The Park League is still putting on their annual hat luncheon-al
They pitch a huge white tent
And it's all a big to-do
Rich people in crazy hats
That's white people for you!

[Birdie, spoken]
The end. Eh, just kidding. There's a little more.

[Birdie, sung]
The luncheon I just mentioned
It has a keynote speaker
to celebrate the retirement
of one of the groundskeepers
It's kind of a big deal
The Mayor's gonna be there!

But the keynote speaker's Owen
And speeching is his nightmare!

And the water's off in the castle
Everyone in there smells pretty weird right now!

Scene 2


[Birdie]
Jimmy, Archie, Sal and Tom
Those are the names of moles that I have!

[Birdie, spoken]
Thank you, thank you!
I just made that up, can you believe it? Thank you very much.

Scene 3


[Birdie]
Look, there's a thing
At the end of that string
Ah-hah, up there!
Why don't you look up there?
Look over there
What's that in the sky?

[Molly, spoken]
Oh my god, Brendan! Let's go!

[Birdie, spoken]
Phew! Okay, where was I? Oh, yes!

[Birdie, sung)
Pigeon, pigeon, you're a pigeon
I'm gonna teach you how to dance
Shka, shka, shka, shka, shka, shka, shka, shka

Scene 4


[Birdie, sung]
Who's that fast-walking bearded guy?
Oh, who's just refusing to meet my eye?
It's you, sir. Where you going?
Ba-doo-da-da-da-doo...

Scene 5


[Birdie, sung]
Ooh! And here comes the super cool manager of the park!

[Birdie, spoken]
Thank you, everyone! I gotta go, I gotta go.

"The Park is Mine"


[Owen, spoken]
Uh, excuse me? What's going on?

[Park League People, spoken]
Why'd you freeze our contract?

[City Officials, spoken]
Why do you have a contract that got frozen? See, it works both ways

[Park League People, spoken]
That doesn't make sense

[Bitsy, spoken]
Fight, fight, fight!
Who said that?
Fight!

[Park League People, sung]
Ooh, feels just like high noon

[City Officials, sung]
Ugh, we're sick of you tycoons
Err, you're all gonna die soon

[Park League People]
Ageist!
Well, here comes the typhoon!

[City Officials]
The park is mine!
The park is mine!

[Park League People]
The park is mine!
The park is mine!
The park is mine!

[All]
The park is mine!
The park is mine!

[Owen]
The park is all of ours!

[Park League People]
Mayor thinking that you own the town

[City Officials]
Well, you're wearing dioramas like a crown

[Park League People]
You're killing tradition for your dividends!

[City Officials]
You reek of entitlement!
(It's the Depends)
(Augh...)

[Park League People]
Colonizers!

[City Officials]
Colonizers!

Owen:
I don't think either of you have a right to-

[Park League People]
We were here first!

[Owen]
That's problematic

[Park League People]
How?
Bureaucrats!

[City Officials]
Dilettantes!
Get the caskets for these geriatrics!

[Park League People]
You can't hack it!

[City Officials]
I heard he's flaccid

[Park League People]
Oh, come on, one in four men--
How dare you bring up his erectile dysfunction?
Screw this whole luncheon
Let's wreck this whole function!

Get to chuckin', toss the turducken!
Chew on this mutton!

[City Officials]
Ah, you're all bluffin'-
Cake to the face!

[Park League People]
Werther's these perverts

[City Officials]
Launch the sherbert!
They got Herbert!
Murder!

[Park League People]
Why would you kill a party that we loved?
You white-collar kleptocratic golfing thugs
High on your power

[City Officials]
It's prescription drugs!

[Park League People]
(It's legal!)
Corporate puppets!

[City Officials]
Kick the bucket!

[Bitsy]
Fight!

[Park League People]
Whoa!

[Paige]
Look out for the train!

[Park League People]
Whoa!
I'm pulling the cane!
Whoa!

[Bitsy]
I'm bringing the rain!

[Helen]
Bringing the rain?

[All]
Bringing the rain!
Bringing the rain!

[Owen]
This is insane!

[City Officials]
The park is mine...

[Park League People]
The park is mine...

[Park League People]
The park is mine...

[City Officials]
The park is mine...

[Communications Director, spoken]
Uh, I lost the mayor. Don't tell anybody.

"Garbage Ballet songs

"Garbage Ballet"


[Elwood]
There is a place
Where the garbage goes when the world forsakes it
Out on a barge
Headed anywhere
Someone will take it

Efficient workers of sanitation
Pick up the bags and load the truck
With very careful evaluation
Make very sure they're all filled up

[All]
There is a place
Where the garbage goes when the world forsakes it
Out on a barge
Headed anywhere
Someone will take it

"Rats"


[Paige]
Sneaking around
In the dark
I know you're there
Somewhere
You're just like a pin
Stuck in my heart
So show yourself
If you dare

[Cole]
Oh, mom
Don't be cold
Don't be cruel
Don't you care?

[Paige]
Gonna find him
Gonna kill him
Gonna find him
Gonna kill him

[Cole]
Oh, mom
That look in your eyes
Makes me scared

[Paige]
Gonna find him
Gonna kill him
Gonna find him
Gonna kill him

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Paige]
They're everywhere
But you just can't see

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Cole]
They're smart and bold
Just like you and me

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Paige]
They eat our food
And they spread disease

[Cole]
Don't kill the rat
He can stay with me

[Paige]
Mess with me
Seal your destiny

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Cole]
They love their mom
And their families

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Paige]
They're in our trash
And they eat our cheese

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Cole]
They wear fur coats
Let them live here, please

[Paige]
Don't pay the rent
And the rent ain't cheap

[Cole]
Don't kill the rat
He can stay with me

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Cole]
Mom, they're such a conundrum

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Paige]
Yeah, but I'm going rogue on this one

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

[Cole]
Mom, they're cuddly and fun
Don't kill the rat
He can stay with me

[Paige]
Mess with me
Seal your destiny

[Paige and Cole]
Rats!

"I'm the Worst"


[Molly]
Was Peter Parker right when he through his suit away?
Should I step aside like the Dark Knight when he vanished without a trace?
Like the hammer of unworthy Thor
I don't deserve these powers anymore

I'm the worst
And I must be cursed
'Cause when I try to help
It only ever hurts

I'm the worst
And I must be cur-

[Hazel, spoken]
Seriously?

"Manager to Manager"


[Owen, spoken]
'Scuse me? Are you Esposito? Are you the guy I talked to on the phone?
Are you the manager?

[Esposito, spoken]
Yeah, I'm Esposito.

[Owen, spoken]
I'm Owen Tillerman, the park manager.

[Owen, sung]
The park is filling up with trash

[Birdie]
Yeah!

[Owen]
I'm not dragging my butt back until you take my filthy stash
It's my duty
It's my job
To keep the park clean and—
Oh my god!
This garbage got me screamin'!

[Owen, spoken]
Okay, I just heard my voice and it was loud, sorry.

[Owen]
Manager to manager
I know we're at a standstill
But I'm down in the dumps and you're the only one
To take me to the promised land—fill

[Birdie, spoken]
Are you gonna help my associate or what?

[Owen, spoken]
Associate?

[Esposito]
Manager to manager I understand your fear. I mean
I don't mind that I smell like trash but you probably think it's weird
Look, I'd really like to help you but this isn't gonna work
My orders come straight from the mayor and he's being such a... a penis-face

[Birdie, spoken]
Why didn't you just say jerk? It would've rhymed.

[Birdie, sung]
Ooooh...

[Owen]
People have found us officious
'Cause we find the minutiae delicious

[Esposito, spoken]
That's true

[Owen]
There's gotta be a way around these jurisdictions

[Esposito]
To bypass the penis-faced mayor's dumb restrictions

[Owen]
Wait! What if we find the right city statute to, you know... (whistles)

[Esposito]
Oh, you mean like a loophole?

[Owen and Esposito]
That's the best kind of hole
Manager brainstorm

[OWEN, spoken]
What about Statute 8923?

[ESPOSITO]
That only applies to waste that is feces

[Owen, spoken]
What about Statute 6-30?

[Esposito, spoken]
That's from like a century ago
That's about polio

[Owen]
Yeah, to stop the spread of disease

[Esposito]
Silly, that only applies to citywide emergencies

[Owen, spoken]
Huh, I should have known that.
Wait—

[Owen, sung]
City Code 1839?

[Esposito]
Oh my God, section five?

[Owen]
Paragraph eight

[Esposito]
Yeah, fourteenth line

[Owen and Esposito]
It clearly states
"In times of environmental crisis
The park manager is empowered with the licence
To protect health priorities
And supersede mayoral authorities."

Manager to manager
I'm feeling so good about our plan
We just managed the crap out of that

[Birdie]
And a loophole is the best kind of hole
I'm so good at helping

"Dog Spray Afternoon" songs

"Spoiler Alert"


[Birdie, spoken]
You see, there's rules to being a narrator...
But the most important is that one. It's kind of the grandmama of all the rules
You can't tell someone in the story anything about where the story is going. Even if you know some juicy stuff

[Birdie, sung]
There's so much I want to say but I can't interfere
And, boy, the plot's about to get good. Or will it?
In just a few the story will shift into gear
I can't say how—but wow, if I could, I'd spill it

Still, it's a secret
And I should keep it
So I won't spoil it
But I can bleep it

Spoiler alert
Bleep's gonna bleep and bleep will start bleeping
Spoiler alert
Bleep and bleep, bleep and then the plots deepen
Of course there's a bleep when they bleep
And sorry, I don't mean to blurt
But, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep will bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep and so
Spoiler alert

[Birdie, spoken]
Whew! I bleeped myself so I didn't give anything away because I bleeped. So good job, me

[Birdie, sung]
The guy with the paint's gonna— Whoops, I can't say
And Owen will soo— No, can't tell ya, but hey
Family's destiny comes into play
Which leads to— Well, let me just put it this way

Spoiler alert
La la la la—try this, you won't hear it
Spoiler alert!
It's— Eh, never mind, and there goes the rhyme scheme
But trust me, it's truly delish; I wish I could dish all the dirt
Too late, anyhow, 'cause the story starts now and so
Spoiler alert!

"If There's a Will


[Helen]
"Helen, will you freshen up my drink?"
Okay
"Take Shampagne to see his doggy shrink"
Of course
"Lace my girdle, file down my skin tags,"
Sure
"And count all my shoes and my handbags"

"Helen will you swallow all your rage?"
For now
"Keep it like a monkey in a cage"
I love monkeys
"Just ignore Shampagne's much higher standing"
I will
"Adore me, endure me withstanding my demands"

But I've got plans
So these demands are temporary
I grin and bear it knowing where my future life could lead
I grit my teeth and find relief repeating

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way
If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way
If there's a will, there's a willy-nilly way
To be living like I'm top-notch
Filthy stinkin' rich, watch
Just gotta be smart like so
Keep playing my part like so
Don't step on my toes
Nobody knows what really goes on
In Bitsy's rich-and-famous lifestyle penthouse in the tower
Gonna have my hour with the willpower

Maybe I'll manipulate the lawyer
That's good
Show a little ankle in the foyer
Men love ankles
Make him give me power of attorney
Or else...
He'll leave Bitsy's house on a gurney

Her Shampagne taste is such a waste
It's time she tasted mine
Let's seal the deal up, club a seal up
Show me where to sign
Until that day, I lay awake recalling

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way
If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way
If there's a will, there's a willy-nilly way
Willy-nilly way
Willy, willy, willy way

[Helen, spoken]
Oh, Helen, is it worth it?
Maybe you should give up this life of misdeeds and manipulation
Just kidding

[Helen, sung]
Willy, willy-nilly, hey
Gonna shake that money in my monkey bank
Gonna shake it
Willy, willy-nilly, hey
Gonna shake that money in my monkey bank
Gonna shake it
Woah, woah
Shake it willy-nilly
Shake it willy-nilly
Woah, woah
Shake it willy-nilly
Shake it willy-nilly
If there's a will, there's a will, there's a way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way
Okay, I'm done

"Method to this Madness"


[Owen, spoken]
Okay. This is every spot there's been a shart tag

[Elwood, spoken]
They’re all over the park. Is this just random?

[Owen, spoken]
But what if it isn't?

[Elwood, spoken]
Oh, I guess that'd be neat.

[Owen]
There’s a method to this madness, more behind this
A larger plan, an evil twist we missed
If we mp out every spot marked by our vandal
We could conclude this lewd graffiti scandal

[Fran]
He attacked a tree at 85th

[Randy]
He tagged the Delacorte

[Elwood]
He switched to red at Rambles Square

[Owen]
He sharts like it's a sport

[Elwood]
He hit so many playgrounds, all the meadows
Oh, put dots here and here—he also sharted those

[Owen]
Okay, just shout out what you see
The first thing in your head

[Elwood]
Chicken pox, gumdrops, a dalmatian in a bed!

[Owen, spoken]
Wait, are you just naming things with dots?

[Elwood, spoken]
You said to say what it looks like

[Owen, spoken]
Yes, but once you've connected the dots

[Elwood, spoken]
Oh, you're not gonna like my list

[Owen, spoken]
Anybody else?

[Randy, spoken]
I was also doing things with dots

[Owen]
Mmmm, mmmm
There's a method to this madness—we can solve it
A chair, a yacht

[Randy]
A big banana split?

[Sheng]
Maybe it's the skyline?

[Fran]
These could be towers

[Elwood]
Maybe it's just random
We've been at this for two hours

[Owen, spoken]
Two hours? That puts you all on overtime
Clock out, clock out!

[Sheng, spoken]
Thanks a lot, Elwood

[Randy, spoken]
Ah, man

[Fran, spoken]
Yeah, thanks a lot, Elwood

[Molly, spoken]
Wait, let me see something

[Molly, sung]
There’s a method to this madness

[Owen, spoken]
Thank you, I’ve been saying that

[Molly]
It's not a chair, a yacht, dessert, or hat
He’s spelling out a word
He's on the last part
A secret code he's writing with his art
If you connect the dots like this

[All except Molly]
(gasp)

[Molly]
It's a giant shart

[All except Molly]
There’s a method to the madness
There's a method to the madness
All he has to do is cross the T

"If There's a Will (Reprise)


[Helen, spoken]
You think you're gonna get all the money, huh? A damn dog!
Do you have any idea what I do for that woman?
Half of her blood used to be my blood

[Helen, sung]
Fluffy little face
With your fluffy dumb tail
Wagging to the pace
Life is tough with your plushy bedding and your tushy-petting-getting
Ooo, I could choke you 'til you croak 'cause my life's a joke

You see
For once in my life I'd have glee
If I didn't have to lift a finger
If I linger here by the Harlem Meer
And I have to lag
And help an old hag with her handbag
"Bless you"
Bless you
"Achoo"
Tissue?
"Thank you"

Yes, if we talk in the crosswalk
Then a bike group bikes by, bye-bye
And a horse on its course
Pulls its carriage with a force
And splat, you'll be flat
Like a hat that's been sat on

Muahahaha-hahahaha
Muahahaha-hahahaha
Muahahaha-hahahaha
Ugh, that's exhausting

If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way
If there's a will, there's a way, there's a way
There's a way to get away scot-free
With a sneaky-deaky murder of the first degree
So, doggy don't mess
See now who's a pedigree
Me

[Helen, spoken]
Oops, I did not mean to come this way

"Rival Busker" songs

"First Class Hands"


[Griffin, spoken]
Oh, hey there! I'm your new narrator. Wanna hear a story about a park?
Hey, hey, shush—don't be scared

You're with a pro now
You're with the best
A guy with know-how
A guy who's well-dressed
I know it's hard to comprehend the level of quality you're seeing
But I can make this very simple for you

[Griffin, sung]
You deserve to be in
First-class hands
That's right, I said, first-class hands
You've been distracted by a dude who's been uprooting the whole plot
I'm not trying to be rude but there's no way in hell he's got a pair of

First-class hands
Don't you wanna be in first-class hands?
See the last guy sort of missed the mark
It's why I'm here to take your through Central Park
In first-class hands

[Birdie, spoken]
Hi, excuse me. What are you doing here, Griffin?

[Griffin, spoken]
Oh, hey, buddy. Yeah, so you got fired
I have two words for you

[Birdie, spoken]
I'm leaving?

[Griffin, spoken]
Free will

[Birdie, spoken]
Can I guess again? I was gonna say free will

[Griffin]
Birdie, Birdie
You dirty little thing
You could've stayed
You could've made your little ukulele sing

[Birdie, spoken]
It's a fiddle

[Griffin]
But you just had to blow it
Had to interfere
And the next thing you know
It's over and I'm here

[Birdie, spoken]
But, Griffin, if in fact I got involved
Don't you think my selfless act just might have solved it?

[Griffin]
They gotta make their own decisions
We just get to watch
There's no room for new revisions
Unless you wanna botch it
They need first

[Birdie, spoken]
Okay, constructive criticism

[Griffin]
Class

[Birdie, spoken]
Yeah, I can take a note. I got it now

[Birdie, sung]
Han—

[Griffin]
Hand—
Listen—
Hands

[Birdie]
From now on, I'll give them
First-class hands

[Griffin, spoken]
No, Birdie—Birdie, listen to me. No. Ugh

[Griffin, sung]
You've all been shackled to a chaperone
Who needs to take a hike
I could end this cute toe-tapper
Only, wait
Who doesn't like when I sing?
First-class hands

[Birdie]
I get it now
I'll give them first-class hands

[Griffin]
A professional who understands
Just sit back, enjoy the music
I've played with three different Coachella bands

[Birdie, spoken]
Ah, that is impressive

[Griffin]
With these first
Class, chorus and verse
Class, so well rehearsed
Class, once met Fred Durst
Class

[Birdie, spoken]
Oh really, Durst? When was that?

[Griffin, spoken]
It was years ago. It was at a Barnes & Noble

[Griffin, sung]
Why have the worst
When you can have first-class
First-class hands

[Griffin, spoken]
So, you should go

[Birdie, spoken]
Right, like motivational. Like, "go girl!"
Thank you—here I go

"Too Close"


[Griffin]
When there's a man outside your window
And he's out there looking in, oh
And you know it's just his job to clean the windows
That's how his day goes

But the look upon his face shows that this might be
Way too close
Way too close

You're fully naked and he's basically a foot away
That's way too close
Way too close
That is what I mean when I say you're too close

[Birdie]
I don't get what you're saying
It sounds like he was just concerned
And I feel like that is earned

[Griffin, spoken]
You're not getting it.

[Griffin, sung]
When there's a boy who loves his piggy

[Birdie]
Sounds like a great piggy

[Griffin]
But the pig gets really biggy

[Birdie]
Piggy's gotta grow, gotta fly

[Griffin]
And his daddy says, "it's time to gimme Piggy"

[Birdie]
What?

[Griffin]
He's coming with me

[Birdie]
Oh no!

[Griffin]
The boy forgot that they were farmers

[Birdie]
Pig farmers?

[Griffin]
And he knows that he is

[Griffin and Birdie]
Way too close
Way too close
Now he can barely eat his bacon
And he knows that he was
Way too close
Way too close

[Griffin]
Wouldn't you agree he got too close?

[Birdie]
Is it like when a stranger in the next stall over
Asks you for some toilet paper
Which is fine and dandy
Until they start to tell you all about their day,
Without you asking and they talk to you
While you can hear everything!

[Griffin]
Everything?

[Birdie]
Everything

[Griffin]
Everything?

[Birdie]
Everything!

[Griffin and Birdie]
You don't know what the heck is happening or how to stop
Whatever it is, yeah
Whatever it is, uh-huh
It's way too close
Way too close

[Birdie]
None of this applies to me
This family's my family

[Griffin]
You're way too close

[Birdie]
Never too close

[Griffin]
Way too close

[Birdie]
Never too close

[Griffin]
This is why it's bad to be too close

[Birdie]
This is not that boy and his piggy

[Griffin and Birdie]
That boy is probably a vegan now
Because he got way too close
And it's hard to be a vegan
'Cause there are not as many options
I guess that's something we agree on

"Show Up"


[Paige]
Okay, when I walked in I was like wait, what?
Who's she, who's she, and did she eat my cashews?
I looked around and saw that you ate much more than cashews
So now I'm preaching at you, eh, but I
I get it, I booked this room which was excessive
I thought I'd play some kind of super slueth detective
And I'm not sure if it has even been effective
But from my perspective

Hey, we gotta show up
Ladies gotta show up
The only way they'll see the truth to us is if you show up
So we're taking chances
We're getting answers
We gotta roll up and show them how we show up
Hey!

[Molly]
Mom's right
She's right, I could have been at home now
I'm not
I'm sitting in this fancy robe now
And take a whiff of me 'cause this is how I smell now
I live in this hotel now
Hey!

[Paige, spoken]
We leave tomorrow

[Molly]
Anya
You ate a hundred bucks in snack food
But deep down
You know you really love this Zack dude
I'm here to make you see your value and I'm glad to
Step number one is that you

[Paige and Molly]
That you gotta show up
(Show up!)
Ladies gotta show up
The only way they'll know is if we know we gotta show up
(And trust your gut!)

[Paige (with Molly and Anya)]
Now we're taking chances
(Show up!)
We're getting answers
We gotta roll up and show them how we show up
(And trust your gut!)

[Paige, Molly and Anya]
Hey!

[Paige]
If you can hear me right now, right now
Then say it with me right now, right now
I am worthy, you heard me

[Molly and Anya]
I am worthy
I am more than worthy

[Paige]
And we gotta help each other out now
When we start to see the other doubt now
Trust your gut and

[Molly]
Your husband

[Anya]
Will love me despite my oligarch daddy

[Paige, spoken]
Wait, oligarch what-now?

[Molly]
She said

[Anya]
I say
I got an oligarch daddy!

[Paige and Molly, sung]
Hey do you

[Anya]
Deserve a guy who loves me?

[Paige, Molly, and Anya]
So don't
don't think that he's above me

[Paige]
And do you think your dad is linked to Bitsy's hotel?

[Anya (with Molly)]
I do, I do
But don't tell
Hey, we gotta show up
(Show up!)
Now I'm gonna show up

[Paige]
Gotta get you ready
And we'll show them how you glow up

[Molly and Anya]
Hey!
Hey!

[Anya (with Paige)]
Let me hear it, ladies
(Show up!)
I'm getting married

[Molly and Anya (with Paige)]
We gotta roll up
(And trust your gut!)
Show 'em how we show up

[Paige, Molly, and Anya]
Show up
Ladies gotta show up
Only way to know is if we go
We gotta show up
Ladies!

"Squirrel, Interrupted" songs

"Nuts Nuts Nuts"


[Cole]
Since I was kid, my heroes have been
Not the kind most would prefer
They carry swords, they're ten inches high
They're completely covered in fur

These epic tales of heroic quests
Of these squirrels who live in the park
The greatest stories to have ever been told
Tomorrow's the day
Be still, my heart!

[Birdie, spoken]
Cole's giddy because tomorrow there's a big scavenger hunt in the park based on his favorite series of books: "The Squirrel Quarrels," written by Kelleth Vanbeaceler. Interesting fact about uh— oh, sorry, he's still singing!

[Cole]
Attention, boys and girls and squirrels
Get ready for tomorrow because
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts
Grab your nutsacks for this Squavenger hunt (Ooh!)
We're all gonna be swimmin' in nuts
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts!

Remember when Muddgrabber fled from Stinkcloud Keep
In a disguise he made from leaves
Or when Chatterling flew through the Dark Ramble
To defeat the Council Of Thieves?

[Owen, spoken]
I don't, but that all sounds- very exciting?

[Molly, spoken]
Quick question for the group. How long are we gonna talk about these books? All night? Until I graduate college? Until the Earth goes into the Sun? Just trying to plan accordingly

[Paige, spoken]
Uh-huh. Remember a little thing called "The Apartment Bears?"

[Molly, spoken]
How dare you. That's totally different. They lived in the real world and faced real problems

[Cole]
They are the bravest squirrel warriors (Ooh!)
To ever skitter-scamp up a bower home
And tomorrow, they will be bought to life
In a park outside of our home
Our home!

[Molly, spoken]
Ugh, whatever

[Cole]
Attention, boys and girls and squirrels
Get ready for tomorrow because
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts!
Nuts!
Nuts!

"Big Deal"


[Bitsy]
What's soft and white and has a family crest
Sitting on his fortune like a viper on his nest
Big deal
And you, little missy with your money grab
Playing with your ponies while your daddy pays the tab
Big deal

Damn the patriarch
Bitsy's got some news to share
I'll take Central Park
Make it like a real Times Square
Those fools and frauds and failures ought to kneel
Before a real big deal

And you, dearest cousin with your blockhead face
Burning through your money like a human fireplace
Big deal
Ahoy, Captain Crunch if I could have a word
Why you gotta dress up like you're Thurston Howell III?
Big deal

I just wanna scream
Desecrate their hallowed halls
Take one for the team
And kick them in their bocce balls

I'll sign, initial, notarize, and seal
What is a real big deal

"Can We Do Today Again?"


[Owen]
This morning, everything was going great
Woke up on top of it all
Honestly I didn't see that I would fall
Flash foward and I really cannot overstate
How totally my ship went down
And now my son might run me out of town

I'd love to change what I have done
But I don't have that kind of control
Failed Father Island, here I come
Where I'll eat only sand and poop in a hole

I thought I was a genius
But it turns out I was just a dumb dad
A *prrrt* on a scale of one to ten
Why didn't I foresee this?
I ruined this day, and now I'm sad
Please, can we do today again?

[Paige]
Hello, today is going great
Knock wood, I'm on top of it all
Honestly, I never expected this windfall
At home, my heart began to palpitate
Wasn't sure how this would go down
I fully thought my ship would run aground

My daughter's a badass chess machine
And I've never been more proud
I'm as giddy as a mom could be
But now I'm not afraid to say aloud

I guess I'm a genius
A mom who puts other moms to shame
A "hell yeah" on a scale of one to ten
Bow down before my queen-ness
I will check every mate in every game
Please, can we do today again?

[Owen]
I wanna unsay

[Paige]
The winner is clear

[Owen]
So much of today

[Paige]
For mom of the year

[Owen]
I wanna have a chance to replay

[Paige]
I'll take my crown and rose bouquet

[Owen]
I want a do-over

[Paige]
This feels pretty great

[Owen]
Don't make much ado over

[Paige]
So why not just celebrate

[Owen]
Don't wanna stew over

[Both]
The surprise that was today
So call me a genius

[Paige]
A mom

[Owen]
A dad

[Both]
On top of the game
A...

[Paige]
Woo!

[Owen]
*prrrt*

[Both]
...on a scale of one to ten
I want to decree this
A day to put in the hall of...

[Owen]
Shame

[Paige]
Fame

[Both]
Please, can we do today again?

"Can We Do Today Again? (Reprise)"


[Paige]
(sigh)
I guess I'm no genius
Turns out I was just a dumb mom
Overexcited, I should've stayed calm
But blood sport's my weakness
I let my girl play until she lost
What kind of mother have I been?

"Hot Oven" songs

"I'm in a Perfect Relationship"


[Molly]
Can't believe I found my soulmate
He's perfect and he's mine
He is everything that I had always dreamed I'd find
There's still a lot to learn about him
Our love is so complex
I know his name is Brendan-something
And he likes to text
Even though, we don't, we don't talk in person
We're both, we're both, thinking 8th grade
I know, I know, I am in a perfect relationship
Until I learn, learn his last name
I'll write Mrs. Brendan on everything
I want the world to know I'm in a perfect relationship

[Brendan]
I know we're new, but have great memories
Like any couple should
Like that time I asked what's up and you answered pretty good
Sometimes I think I am dreaming
Could this be real life
And when she sent that shrimp emoji
I knew I found my wife
Even though, I don't, I don't know her last name
I think we're both, we're both in 8th grade

[Both]
I know, I know, I am in a perfect relationship
Even though, we don't, we don't talk in person

[Molly]
But he is

[Brendan]
She is

[Both]
My everything
I want the world to know I'm in a perfect relationship

[Molly]
Yeah I'm in

[Both]
A perfect relationship

[Brendan]
Yeah I'm in

[Both]
A perfect relationship

[Molly]
I'm in a perfect relationship

[Both]
I'm in a perfect relationship

[Brendan]
We don't, we don't

[Both]
Talk in person

[Molly]
He is my everything

[Brendan]
She is my everything

[Both]
I want the world to know I'm in a perfect relationship

"TOSGANO"


[Augustus, spoken]
It's very rare that I have to recommend a TOSGANO

[Helen, spoken]
What's a TOSGANO?

[Augustus, spoken]
That's my little acronym

[Helen, spoken]
What's it stand for?

[Augustus, spoken]
This one sucks, get a new one

[Augustus, sung]
You've got a dog, but the situation's hairy
And by that, I mean naughty
And it's getting pretty scary
It don't act like a pet, no
This is a TOSGANO
Let me spell it out for you
It's T-O-S-G-A-N-O

This one sucks, get a new one

[Helen (with Augustus)]
It sucks, it sucks so friggin' much
(Oooh)
It sucks so friggin' much

[Augustus]
This one sucks, get a new one

[Helen (with Augustus)]
I can't get rid of it fast enough
(Oooh)
I can't get rid of it fast enough

[Helen, spoken]
You don't need a license to be a pet therapist, do you?

[Augustus, spoken]
No, ma'am

[Helen, spoken]
So, under what circumstances would you recommend a TOSGANO?

[Helen, sung]
Is it like, is it like if it pees wherever it pleases?

[Augustus]
Eh

[Helen]
Won't get a job and watches too much TV?

[Augustus]
Uh-uh

[Helen]
What if it gives you a dumb, blank stare?

[Augustus]
Nope

[Helen]
Or flashes his lipstick out of nowhere?

[Augustus]
That does suck, but it's not enough
For a TOSGANO guarantee
An H-A-B is what you need

[Helen, spoken]
Another acronym?

[Augustus, spoken]
Yes

[Helen, spoken]
Which stands for?

[Augustus, spoken]
"Hazardous Antisocial Behavior"

[Helen, spoken]
Which means?

[Augustus, spoken]
Biting, but Shampagne's never bitten anyone, right?

[Helen, spoken]
Hmm

[Helen, sung]
This therapist's breath is stinkin'
Like a dirty dog, but it's got me thinkin'
There's a plan cooking in my Helen melon, that could be fruitful
How to get rid of that shitza-doodle
All my dreams will come to pass
If I get Shampagne to bite Bitsy's ass

[Bitsy]
Oh my God, my pup is growling at me
And it's got me yellin'
Who's gonna save me? Helen!

[Augustus and Helen]
This one sucks, get a new one

[Helen (with Augustus)]
It sucks, it sucks so friggin' much
(Oooh)
It sucks so friggin' much

[Augustus and Helen]
This one sucks, get a new one

[Helen (with Augustus)]
I can't get rid of it fast enough
(Oooh)
I can't get rid of it fast enough

[Helen]
Heheheheh....

[Augustus, spoken]
Why are you laughing, is it because of my job?

[Helen, spoken]
Yes, let's say yes

"Imperfectly Perfect"

[Owen]
When I started this journey
I had a single goal
I made a pizza so stunning
But I quickly lost control
Didn't stop me, didn't stop me
Nothing would stop me from making a pizza perfect masterpiece
Wouldn't give up, wouldn't shut down
Had to keep on, keep on kneading this dough catastrophe
So like this piece of pizza, like this piece of pizza, we know love can be imperfectly perfect
Oh whoa oh oh no
Even if it falls apart, or is it messy, yeah your love can be imperfectly perfect
Oh whoa oh oh oh
Who cares what it looks like baby
It's more important that it cooks right baby
So like this sloppy supper, love can be imperfectly perfect

[Paige, spoken]
I like the metaphor. Let me try a verse.

[Paige]
When we mess up, when we mess up
That's when we can grow like the pizza dough
And learn how to flavor it
And we might find, yeah we might see
That we taste a topping that we would never try
And find a new favorite
Like this piece of pizza, topped with are these prunes? We know love can be imperfectly perfect
Oh whoa oh oh oh
It might look like it's been attacked by wild racoons, but we know love can be imperfectly perfect
Oh whoa oh oh oh
Who cares what it looks like baby
It's more important that it cooks right baby
So like this ugly pizza, love can be imperfectly perfect

[Molly]
You can have a perfect boyfriend
But you'll probably feel bored

[Owen]
You can run the perfect park
But tell me where is the reward

[Paige]
If the world was picture perfect
There would never be a scoop

[Cole]
If you make a giant mess
Just blend it up and call it soup

[Molly]
So, sometimes the imperfect's preferable?

[Owen, Cole, and Paige]
Yeah

[Molly]
Each flaw makes us more exceptional?

[Owen, Cole, and Paige]
Yeah

[All]
Like this piece of pizza, like this piece of pizza, we know love can be imperfectly

[Owen, Cole, and Paige]
Woah

[Molly]
Perhaps you'd like to go-oh-oh?

[Owen, Cole, and Paige]
Woah

[All]
Pizza pizza, yeah, we all relate to pizza, we know love can be imperfectly perfect
Oh whoa oh oh oh
Who cares what it looks like baby
It's more important that it cooks right baby
So like this piece of pizza, love can be imperfectly

[All, off-key]
Per-fect

[Paige, spoken]
Oh, guys

[Cole, spoken]
No, no

[Brendan, spoken]
Maybe try again?

[Molly, spoken]
That was not our best

[All]
Per-fect

"I'm in a Perfect Relationship" — End Credits

"Live It Up Tonight" songs

"Live It Up Tonight"

"Zoom's Home Alone 2 Deleted Scenes Tour"


[Zoom, spoken]
All right, if we're ready, then let's start the tour by saying what they do at the beginning of every "Home Alone" movie: "Kevin!"
All right, say it with me

[All, spoken]
"Kevin!"

[Zoom, spoken]
You guys are a great group.

[Cole, spoken]
I hope the rest of the tour is as good as this
Hey, have you noticed how totally fine I am in the vast, vast darkness?
So cool, so natural

[Molly, spoken]
So natural

[Cole, spoken]
Okay, good, I'm glad you noticed
Now, shh! Let's pay attention to the tour

[Zoom]
Zoom’s Home Alone 2 Lost in New York Deleted Scenes Tour!
So, let's zoom in on a little-known fact
Joe Pesci slapped his stunt double here
But then they became best friends
And everybody called them "Double Trouble"

[Cole, spoken]
Ooh, Molly, slap me in the face
No, no, take my picture

[Zoom]
Little known fact,
The script once featured a subplot
Where the Pigeon Lady helps solve a murder
In the Dianna Ross Playground.
Weirdly the same murder happened
A month later in real life so they cut it.

[Cole, spoken]
Whoa, get a picture of me by the murder slide.

[Zoom]
Zoom’s Home Alone 2 Lost in New York Deleted Scenes Tour!
So, let's zoom in on a little-known fact.
In the film you saw Kevin escaped the bad guys
By stowing away on the back of one of these carriages.

What you didn't get to see was one of these horses going into labor
And Macaulay Culkin delivered that horse baby
And they caught it on film but it wasn't part of the story.
Now it's just part of:
Zoom's Home Alone 2 Lost in New York Deleted Scenes Tour!

[Zoom, spoken]
Everybody, sing it!

[All]
Zoom's Home Alone 2 Lost in New York Deleted Scenes Tour!

[Molly, spoken]
Do you want a picture by the carriage?

[Cole, spoken]
I think I just wanna sit and think about the bigness of everything

"Rated Hard PG, for Spookiness"

"I Did Not Account for This"


[Molly]
Okay, don't panic
Gotta find my little brother in the darkness
I'm not panicking
So hey, I blew it
Told my parents I could handle this alone
But look what happening
Had a few complications
What a lesson in expectations

In the park, in the dark
Let my little brother down
Unprepared, he was scared and fled
I did not account for this
Didn't count on this
I did not account for this
No-oh-oh

[Cole]
In the bat's habitats
In the middle of the night
Wasn't fun, had to run, oh-oh
I did not account for this
Didn't count on this
I did not account for this
No-oh-oh

[Owen]
Looks like we're screwed
This audit snuck up and it bit us in the worms
But keep on pedaling
 
[Paige]
No subways running
Now we're gunning it to stop that city gal
from all her meddling

[Owen and Paige]
Fighting with transportation
To get documentation
In the rain, what a pain,
But our butts are on the line
Take a look at our books and no
We did not account for this
Didn't count on this

[Paige, spoken]
How did worms amount to this?

[Owen, spoken]
Yeah, I don't know
 
[Owen, Paige, Molly and Cole]
Out of hand, wasn't planned
But I'll try to set it right
Got a goal

[Molly]
Hello, Cole?

[Cole]
Oh, no!

[Owen, Paige, Molly and Cole]
I did not account for this
Didn't count on this
I did not account for this
No-oh-oh

[Cole]
I saw their beady eyes
And they had a secret plan
And they wanted me to die
So I turned around and ran
 
[Molly]
This should have been a cinch
I'm a semi-grown adult
They should trust me in a pinch
But he's gone and it's my fault

[Paige]
Why does Elwood have a worm for a pet named Diane?
Should we talk about that?

[Owen, spoken]
Let's not

[Owen, Paige, Molly and Cole (with Elwood)]
Gotta go, didn't know
That my life would end tonight
(Diane)
Hit a snag what a drag, oh-oh
I did not account for this
(My beautiful worm)
Didn't count on this
(Diane)
I did not account for this
(Oooh)
No-oh-oh.

[Owen, spoken]
Stop, that's it!

[Owen, Paige, Molly & Cole]
I did not account for this

[Elwood]
Diane!

"Live It Up Tonight — End Credits"

"A Fish Called Snakehead" songs

"Hellfish”


[Owen]
You know the little baby turtles that like to play peek-a-boo
Well, you can kiss them good-bye if a hellfish comes through
They inflict ecosystem trauma
'Cause they're hangry like piranhas
And they gobble up the fauna like a fishy Jeffrey Dahmer

A snakehead would make a lake dead
And all the little lives in liquid
Are jeopardized by wicked hellfish
If they invaded
It's the only reason I'd miss out
On spicy cheese bread

If a hellfish finds a mate
It'll lay fifty thousand eggs a day
And will walk from lake to lake
On his fins and spread fast like the plague
It breathes air like a toad and it lurks in the muck
If the hellfish is really there then the pond might be f-- screwed

[Owen and Ensemble]
A snakehead would make a lake dead
And all the little lives in liquid
Are jeopardized by wicked hellfish
If they invaded
It's the only reason I'd miss out
On spicy cheese bread

[Owen]
We hire experts in ponds who have pond PhDs
Who pH balance the ponds and check on pond species
Repair pond ecology with fancy pond degrees
Making sure the pond turtles are feeling super fertile
But there'd be environmental catastrophe
If someone put a hellfish in the meer
I don't think the park ponds would persevere
No, no, no!

[Owen (with Ensemble)]
A snakehead would make the lake dead
(A snakehead would make a lake dead)
(And all the little lives in liquid)
What about the turtles?
(Are jeopardized)
What about— what about the ducks?
(By wicked hellfish)
The hellfish
(If they invaded)
Is the only reason
(It's the only reason)
I'd hate to miss out
(I'd miss out)
On spicy cheese bread
(On spicy cheese bread)

"New York Doesn't Like Your Face

"Dick Flake"

"Dick Flake" (Reprise)

"Die Trying"

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.